The holiday season can be a joyous time of year but for many it carries a lot of emotional weight. Holidays can be difficult for various reasons such as a strong reminder that loved ones who have passed away are no longer here, seeing family members/loved ones that have caused significant harm or even been abusive, returning home as an adult and being reminded of pain and memories from a difficult childhood, and loneliness if you do not have family or friends available to celebrate with. These account for just a fraction of the reasons why the holidays can be difficult for many people.

One area that can be especially complicated to navigate is seeing family members/loved ones who have caused significant harm or even been abusive. Holidays are a time of year when fractured relationships come to the forefront. It’s a time where you can be pressures by other family members to just deal with those who have harmed/abused you to maintain the family homeostasis and enable the facade of a “picture perfect family” at the cost of your own mental well-being. If this is a position you find yourself in year after year, you are not alone. If you have come to the point where holidays are a dreaded and even re-traumatizing time of year for the above reason, you have the power to redesign your own holiday season into a time and experience that feels safe. Although setting new boundaries and maintaining these boundaries is much easier said than done, the benefits to mental health are well worth it.

Here are some strategies to create a holiday season that feels safe if you have been harmed or abused by family/loved ones:

• Decline invitations to events where harmful/abusive family members will be present. You are not obligated to give a reason for your absence unless you want to. You are in control of what you share.
• If you do attend an event where a harmful/abusive family member is present, set a limit for how long you will stay and stick to it. It can help to take your own mode of transportation so you are not dependent on another person to drive you and you can leave freely at any time.
• Inform close friends or family members you trust about your holiday situation so that they can validate your feelings and encourage you to maintain boundaries when others may try to push back on them.
• Spend holidays with friends. There is no rule that you have to be with family members during the holidays and sometimes friends feel and act more like family anyways.
• Begin your own holiday traditions. For example, if you are in your own marriage or partnership, you can build new traditions within the nuclear family unit that you started and carefully choose who you invite to partake in these traditions.
• Bring up holiday stressors with your therapist (if you have one) so they can professionally support you as you navigate this season. If you do not have a therapist and want to start setting boundaries during the holidays, this is a good time and reason to begin getting care. If therapy is not an option at this time, seek out close friends, a mentor, counseling through a religious organization, or sponsorship through a 12-step recovery group if it applies to you

It is never too late to start protecting yourself and your mental well-being during the holidays. Even if you have endured difficult holiday seasons due to harmful/abusive family members for years and years, you can start now in this current season and reclaim your power.